Felt Pretty Good

If you missed my post yesterday this may not make much sense, but so goes the world of blogging. Anyway, yesterday was a little confidence booster. I  did not do all I wanted, but I made progress.  At the end of the night when sat down and look at my least, it was not enough, but more than yesterday.

Then the thought arrived, you know those things that you almost hear that come to mind. "Stop that, never go to bed saying "not enough". It stopped me right in my tracks. My bedtime ritual stopped and I went back and started it over. (All of the process, including brushing my teeth and choosing different pajamas.) When I came to the part where I was writing my list, again, I wrote at the bottom. "I am grateful I was able to do that today." And I smiled.

Now smiling for me in very rare. I am often happy, but smiling is not in my nature. I can force it if I must, but it shows as forced. My husband tells people often, "if you want to know how Trenna feels you must look at her eyes, it is the only thing honest on her face." I can't disagree.

Today is packed full of stressful items. It was one of those times when I should have had a post all written and on the back burner ready to post. But I didn't. Maybe the reason was so that I could celebrate yesterday and maybe open up a little bit. I have listening with my heart mastered, but speaking from heart is not as easy. So there you have it. My day, my challenges and successes begin and somehow by writing it, even if no one reads it or comments makes me more accountable to try.

My political moment

As much as I hate to, I must get political.  I am hopeful that once I get it off my chest I can move forward.

It doesn't matter if you love, hate, or don't care about Donald Trump. He is the President~Elect and will be the President of the United States of America. You talking trash about him, is no better than him talking trash. So grow up and represent yourself in a lawful and respectful manner. The riots are not hurting Donald Trump. Rioting is not helping your cause.

If you feel so strongly that this man is not your president express yourself in a peaceful manner or feel free to leave.

This is a free country. Freedom gives you the right to say it and does not remove the consequences that come from saying it. Grow up and be a part of the solution.

Got it Done!

It is true, I have fallen deeply into the list habit. I am really good at making to do lists. I am not implying that I am really good at getting the list done, but I can make an awesome list. Somehow I need to turn that around and make it be an action instead of an idea or suggestion. (Odd how I can see the problem and not grasp a solution.)

So, something must change and I clearly need to build up my confidence. Today instead of a “To Do” list I am going to  make and “I did it list”. My theory is that if I have to write down all the things as I am doing them I might be more productive and accountable for my time. It seems backwards and a little off, but that probably describes me.

I am going to step completely out of my comfort zone and post my “I did it list” tomorrow. (Wow, even typing that is uncomfortable, but I did so I can and I will.) I like to do things on pretty paper so I think I will use this planner. I have it ready to start the new year, but the next two months are in there so I will carry on.

This is an experiment. I have no idea if it will work, but I willing to give it a go. You can check back and see how it went.

A New Way to Wake Up

More than anything else I am a realist. I have my moments of hope. But, at the end of the day it is what it is. I realize it doesn’t have to stay that way, but change doesn’t come easy and is often is hindered on a road alone.

Right now, I am alone. There is no one the planet that knows or hears my heart. No blame, most of the time I have kept it protected. I wrote a couple books that were real and me. Then came the realization that no one wanted to read them, even if they were short, and only $1.00. The message I received with deafening tones is “you are worthless”.

I have to tell you there are some perks of being worthless. All of sudden you figure out that you can stop trying to be polite, responsible, caring, thoughtful, kind, because none of that makes a difference. You simply begin to exist and do what you must do to exist. That’s where I am.

Now I can go online and pay lots of money to buy traffic, build dream boards, and learn about the law of attraction. I can fill their pockets and still be alone.

Physically alone is a rare treat. I have family, whom I love and care for. Emotionally alone is constant. Intellectually alone, is constant. Does anyone else understand being alone in a crowd? If you do would you be brave enough to say it?

I got a journal in the mail yesterday. I have no idea who sent it.  Everyone who knows me know that I keep a journal and if they want to know anything about “friends or family” I have it recorded. Once in a great while it is helpful for someone other than me. Anyway it had a very pretty cover and this morning  I opened it.

The first page was titled “You have value because ……..” and there was a lined page. I sat for awhile with my pen. I laughed. I cried. I tore out the page, tossed it away and put the journal on the bookshelf. I have been up all of about twenty minutes and this is where I am…..

This won’t last long because duty calls. I have two people to care for before work starts. I have begun the project of emptying the house of “stuff”. It is going slow because I really do not want to order a dumpster, but when I die I don’t want to leave a bunch of junk for someone else to have to take care of. (We have had several deaths recently and in the end that seems to cause others the most angst.) So that is my current project.

Oh and the blog thing. I had participated with a little site called Shopswell and it kept me busy and gave me a place to “be”. As it turns out, they were not who they claimed to be. I find that a lot. I wonder if it is because people and businesses really don’t know who they are and they are finding themselves or if everyone truly only cares about their personal well being.  Anyway, I spent a fair amount of time there keeping occupied.

Oh yes, and someone yesterday stopped me on the street and asked me if I realized my life was over because Donald Trump was president. I thought a moment and said, “Well, technically he is the President Elect and I have never met the man. I am sure my existence is still in my own hands.” He started screaming about how Hillary had been cheated. I quickly responded “I have never met her either. Have a nice day” and walked away. I guess I should admire his passion. I didn’t want to participate.

So tomorrow it would be nice to wake up differently somehow. Here is where most people would ask for comments. Eventually one gets tired of asking and finding nothing.  So they write simply to remind themselves that they were once here.

   
Living in the moment and enjoying life as it happens is amazing, exciting and a great way to approach life, but after the moment is better. You have a memory. No one can really steal a memory, they are in there somewhere and it is my firm belief that when we pass away those are the treasure we take with us to share with those who have gone before and enjoy with those who will come later. I don't think I am very religious, but I think our spirits are eternal. Imagine the possibilities. Wouldn't you want your memories to go with you?

When you look back at something, often times the fond memories are better than the real event. A disaster can be remembered as an adventure.

We have some very dear friends who were in a flood. They called us and didn't tell us the problem. They just asked if we could come look at something. We go there and realized how serious the situation was. Long story short we were able to save the house and the shop with lots of help from gathering other friends as well. While it was happening it was scary, sad and emotional. Ten years latter we can laugh, remember how everyone worked together and be grateful for the whole experience.

My advice (not that anyone is asking) is keep a journal. When it comes right down to it, you want to share your memories and you want to be able to reflect, learn and grow. My journals keeps me true to myself and helps me recognize when I have gone so off track, that I must get back to my core. (Hmm, I wonder if I am the only one who goes off track?

Hello?

Hello?

Why am I here?

That is a really big question and can mean a lot of things. Right now, it is just about this little blog right here. This tiny little piece of real estate on the world wide web. I am here because I need to be heard by someone who is not related to me! I am here because I shop online and love great deals. I am here because people matter and they need to connect, exchange thoughts and ideas. I am here because I have decided to exist, again. (That was a very big decision.) It could be that I am here all alone. I hope not, but it could be.

The date November 9th 2016. It is an interesting day for Americans. Donald Trump has been elected to be the President of the United States. Good, bad or indifferent the decision has been made. I didn’t watch any of the hoopla last night. I just got online to see who won.

I think there will be some interesting things to watch. I expect President Obama will use his last days to push through his agendas. (Like every other President has.) That might be interesting to watch for awhile. 

I don’t tend to be political and yet I have strong opinions. I try to open minded and listen to both sides. I often find that my opinion change with more information, but I find politics more interesting, than helpful in my everyday life. It probably won’t be a major topic, unless it gets to be really exciting, or someone tries to take away the things I love.

Why would anyone ever come and read a blog like this? Maybe no one ever will. Is it still important for me to write it? Yes, it is a part of my decision to exist again.

My dream, well that people care about each other and they will find a place here where that can happen. They can agree, disagree, share thoughts and ideas and maybe find some interesting things through affiliate links to at least pay for power and internet to keep my little blog farm alive.

There are no little links today. Really I just want to know if you want to be my neighbor. What say you?