A New Way to Wake Up

More than anything else I am a realist. I have my moments of hope. But, at the end of the day it is what it is. I realize it doesn’t have to stay that way, but change doesn’t come easy and is often is hindered on a road alone.

Right now, I am alone. There is no one the planet that knows or hears my heart. No blame, most of the time I have kept it protected. I wrote a couple books that were real and me. Then came the realization that no one wanted to read them, even if they were short, and only $1.00. The message I received with deafening tones is “you are worthless”.

I have to tell you there are some perks of being worthless. All of sudden you figure out that you can stop trying to be polite, responsible, caring, thoughtful, kind, because none of that makes a difference. You simply begin to exist and do what you must do to exist. That’s where I am.

Now I can go online and pay lots of money to buy traffic, build dream boards, and learn about the law of attraction. I can fill their pockets and still be alone.

Physically alone is a rare treat. I have family, whom I love and care for. Emotionally alone is constant. Intellectually alone, is constant. Does anyone else understand being alone in a crowd? If you do would you be brave enough to say it?

I got a journal in the mail yesterday. I have no idea who sent it.  Everyone who knows me know that I keep a journal and if they want to know anything about “friends or family” I have it recorded. Once in a great while it is helpful for someone other than me. Anyway it had a very pretty cover and this morning  I opened it.

The first page was titled “You have value because ……..” and there was a lined page. I sat for awhile with my pen. I laughed. I cried. I tore out the page, tossed it away and put the journal on the bookshelf. I have been up all of about twenty minutes and this is where I am…..

This won’t last long because duty calls. I have two people to care for before work starts. I have begun the project of emptying the house of “stuff”. It is going slow because I really do not want to order a dumpster, but when I die I don’t want to leave a bunch of junk for someone else to have to take care of. (We have had several deaths recently and in the end that seems to cause others the most angst.) So that is my current project.

Oh and the blog thing. I had participated with a little site called Shopswell and it kept me busy and gave me a place to “be”. As it turns out, they were not who they claimed to be. I find that a lot. I wonder if it is because people and businesses really don’t know who they are and they are finding themselves or if everyone truly only cares about their personal well being.  Anyway, I spent a fair amount of time there keeping occupied.

Oh yes, and someone yesterday stopped me on the street and asked me if I realized my life was over because Donald Trump was president. I thought a moment and said, “Well, technically he is the President Elect and I have never met the man. I am sure my existence is still in my own hands.” He started screaming about how Hillary had been cheated. I quickly responded “I have never met her either. Have a nice day” and walked away. I guess I should admire his passion. I didn’t want to participate.

So tomorrow it would be nice to wake up differently somehow. Here is where most people would ask for comments. Eventually one gets tired of asking and finding nothing.  So they write simply to remind themselves that they were once here.